April 22, 2021
Text Size
make text smaller make text larger

No Time To Grieve A Survivor’s Guide To Loss And Healing

September 25th, 2015 by judytalks

No Time To Grieve A Survivor’s Guide To Loss And Healing

When a death occurs, it’s likely that the family has little information for solving the problems of grief and loss. The competing factors of emotional pain and practical responsibilities leave little time and energy for grievers to do the hard work of mourning their loss.

Death knocks on every door, often unexpectedly, and those who mourn are usually ill-prepared to cope. Fear, sadness and anxiety often become everyday emotions. Meanwhile, the responsibilities associated with handling an estate stare you in the face.

For those families who have experienced the death of a loved one, it becomes clear that there is certainly a need for death education in our society.

The important question to ask is whether you have in place what you would need to handle these responsibilities.

Legal matters before a death occurs include a do not resuscitate document, a living will, and an individual’s wishes for disposition of the body and final resting place. Handling the estate following the death has numerous considerations. A will, trust, military records, marriage/divorce papers, social security, and dependent children just to start. Finances include investments, pensions, property, cash flow, and taxes.

Those of us who have had such an event in our lives would have benefitted from a guide book that gave pertinent information and support as we struggled to manage every day. Had we known, we might have had paperwork in order, discussions completed, and a clear understanding of the emotional needs of the bereaved.

In our society death education usually comes after the fact, leaving survivors grasping at straws, and undermining the deep need to mourn completely and appropriately.

Resources abound for getting your affairs in order. Estate lawyers, community classes, and the internet all give pertinent information for you to consider. A good choice might be a thorough and relevant book that you can read and keep handy for reference from time to time. One that you can carry in purse or briefcase would be ideal.

The benefits of such an excellent reference book would begin with a comprehensive list of issues associated with bereavement. Deep grief affects every aspect of our being – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. There is pain, fatigue, confusion, and anger, as well as other feelings and considerations. Where to begin?

For now, let’s start with the first responsibility you face – services. In general, there are reviewals, funerals, memorial services, gatherings of mourners, or a combination of all or a few of these acknowledgements.

If you plan to get your affairs in order, you may wish to start researching the above named services for consideration. Whatever your age or situation, keep a notebook with your ideas and preferences listed. You may also want to confer with clergy, spiritual leaders, or family for insight and suggestions.

In the years I have been writing on this subject, preparation or lack thereof regarding death and loss has been a leading cause of either consternation or peace of mind for those who mourn.

Keep your references and notes in easy reach, knowing that whenever it is needed, you have made important choices.

My website: www.survive-strong.com

Amazon page: www.amazon.com/author/judystrong

I wish you well,

Judy

It’s Your Money Handle It With Care

August 21st, 2015 by judytalks

It’s Your Money Handle It With Care

 

Financial management begins when you earn your first dollar. What you do with it may set a pattern you’ll follow for a lifetime. Whether you save it all, spend it all, or divide it into three parts – save, spend, donate – you’ve made a decision about the place of money in your life.

Most of us learn about money management by making both good and bad decisions, and it usually takes a few years to get it right. Mistakes can be costly, so it makes good sense to start learning about the fundamentals of money management early. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones whose parents taught you at an early age. But most people reach adulthood with a smattering of information and a history of wishing they’d had more “money sense”.

Developing a results-oriented system for yourself leads to security and a worry-free lifestyle. It’s never too late to take charge of your money. In fact, it’s a good idea to make changes, even little tweaks, whenever it seems something isn’t working for you.

Answering some basic questions will get you started, and the questions can be asked at any time, for a new, fresh approach to your management system.

  1. What place does money play in your life?
  2. How will you pay for basic necessities?
  3. What will you have to live on in retirement?
  4. What is the best plan for someone who is single?
  5. Will there be money to leave to those you love after you’re gone?

A system that works – designed by you – can give you the cash flow you need and the peace of mind that you deserve.

The fundamentals of money management needn’t be complicated. To start with, get paper and pencil and a calculator and jot down your monthly income and your basic expenses. If there’s nothing left over to save each month, see where you can make some changes. I know this may seem impossible, but give it some thought. At various times, I’ve lived: without a car, without TV and/or internet, in a too small place, and without new clothes for two and a half years. Spending more wisely would have prevented some of this.

No one knows what will happen next week. You could win the lottery or lose your shirt.

If you want your money to last as long as you do, and have some left over for your beneficiaries, write a simple budget. Look for resources on money management and get out your calculator.

Places to look: Libraries, book stores, internet, community classes, and financial planners. Don’t make any decisions until you feel comfortable.

While you’re at it, take a look at a couple of my little ebooks.

Getting Your Affairs In Order is about handling an estate. It’s Your Money Take Charge Of It is all about earning, investing, saving, and making it last.

http://www.amazon.com/Judy-Strong/e/B004IGUWE6

Best wishes,

Judy

 

Your Bills Don’t Die When You Do

July 25th, 2015 by judytalks

The last thing a grieving person needs is paper work, but often, that’s what is dropped into their lap. Emotional trauma takes time and energy to process, time to understand what has happened, and energy to begin to manage your pain. But before you can get your bearings, the hard, cold facts of practical matters invade your space, filling up the time, and draining the energy away.

People coping with grief shouldn’t have to think about money, legal issues, and endless responsibilities. But decisions have to be made and immediate problems addressed. In addition to notifying people and planning services, there are documents to locate and handle, finances to assess, and the everyday tasks that don’t go away because someone you love has died. Like bills, home responsibilities, job requirements. And, of course, people in your life who are also grieving and need comfort.

Some folks are just naturally organized. They have everything taken care of, promptly and efficiently. There’s a will or trust, a Do Not Resuscitate, a Living Will that spells out specifics for you, and a list of professional people to contact, with names, phone numbers and email addresses.

Unfortunately, the majority of us just aren’t that organized. Where in the world is that document, financial statement, Last Will and Testament, or even your lawyer’s name? When there is a death, the survivor(s) are in shock and deep emotional pain. Trying to locate papers is a headache. Knowing what to do with them when they are found is also troublesome. All this extra trouble and frustration can be avoided.

Get your affairs in order now. No matter that you are young and think there are years and years before anyone will need it. You can update it periodically. If you are middle-aged, you may have dependents who will be devastated. For older people, it’s time to get something on paper, and have a heart-to-heart talk with family members.

The benefits of putting your affairs in order are these: Relevant, necessary information is right there. Your personal wishes will be clear and respected. Your survivors/beneficiaries will have resources for finalizing the legal and personal matters required.

Give it some thought. They’ll love you for it.

Resources abound on the internet, in libraries, and bookstores.

Information is readily available on my website:  www.survive-strong.com.

My Amazon page has extra resources you may want to check out.  http://www.amazon.com/Judy-Strong/e/B004IGUWE6

As always, I wish you well.

Judy

Book Learnin’

July 13th, 2015 by judytalks

Book Learnin’

To learn how to survive, ask a survivor. That’s pretty much true. Someone who’s been there knows the situation inside and out, has “felt” it, shared the emotions, and understands the process. At least a survivor understands their own experience of it.

When you’re going through a difficult time, finding a book that helps you, really “speaks” to you may take a while. In fact, I’ve found that I glean nuggets of valuable information, and some comfort, from a variety of sources. Books written by individuals who are not survivors, but have extensive knowledge of a subject, may be very beneficial. They may touch on aspects long forgotten by the people who endured deep pain.

When you’re looking through the book shelves in a library or bookstore, or on the Internet, consider choosing a couple of copies for a peek at the content, writing style, and background of the author.

My first book, No Time To Grieve, was written to help solve the practical problems experienced by mourners. When I hear from someone that it has done just that, as I did recently, I am happy.

I have read quite a few books on the subject of loss and bereavement, and from time to time, I pull them out and reread portions that were especially helpful or meaningful. When you or someone you know are in need of a grief survival book, take your time as you browse through the selections.

When I was widowed – nearly 25 year ago, there were very few books available. The shelves have filled up nicely.

Please check out my Resources page on my website and my publications on Amazon. Something might be just what you’re looking for.

Website: www.survive-strong.com

Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/author/judystrong

Judy

How Do You Know When Grief Turns A Corner?

July 9th, 2015 by judytalks

For some grievers, it’s sudden. Out of the blue, you feel different, things look brighter, and you can breathe easier. For others, the process has been working its way upward for some time.

The fact of mourning is entirely personal. It can’t be measured by any yardstick. Its parts can’t be labeled or identified by anything you already understand. The person in mourning knows very little going in, and has very little idea of the way out.

One thing is known:  The sudden impact of death is crippling, and the deep impact of pain can literally make you double over. Comfort from family and friends is just the beginning in the mourning process you face. How then do you know when grief turns a corner? How is it felt or noticed by you or others?

Someone once told me, “I could see that something had changed by the look on her face.”

Your thoughts, feelings, and decisions in the beginning set the stage for your bereavement. How can I cope, what should I do, how do I stop the pain are the most immediate  concerns. But the day to day priorities change, and you can rethink and rework your personal grief process to reflect your needs.

An example may be the option of handling things alone or joining a group. Often people rule out participating in a group or a specific program, wanting to “go it alone”.

There’s a lot of information that can guide you. Make a small change, with the idea that if it doesn’t feel right, you can change back.

Information sources you may want to check out include:-

Internet:  Grief resources, articles, books, programs and chat groups.

Book stores, local groups led by funeral homes, churches, community centers, or in private homes.

As always, check out credentials and formats to see what might suit you best.

My books and articles are posted on my website and are also available at Amazon.com. Click on the “buy from amazon” button, then scroll down to the “visit Amazon”s Judy Strong page”.

I wish you well,

Judy

Grief Shared

May 15th, 2015 by judytalks

In the immediate aftermath of grief, friends and family may surround you with comfort and support. Everyone calls, many visit, and you walk the necessary steps through this awfulness that has happened. Cards and phone calls are sent to notify people, services are planned, legal issues are addressed for follow-up, and financial settlements have been discussed. A few weeks have gone by, and now is when most of those people begin to withdraw. There doesn’t seem to be much more for anyone to do, except to stay in touch and wish you well.

It’s at this point that grievers may wonder if sharing their grief with others in mourning would help ease the pain. Everyone’s heard about grief groups. Whereas years ago, they were few and far between, today they abound. They may be held in community centers, churches, offices, or even homes. Some are basically open-ended with a general plan and a facilitator, while others use a printed program that focuses on one specific issue each week. These issues may include emotions, such as fear, sadness, or anger, or they may include practical problems, such as handling the money, finding legal counsel, or getting your car fixed. The question is, “How will this really help me?”.

Looking for an appropriate group can be daunting. At a time when your emotions are unpredictable and you often feel fatigued, checking out numerous groups may seem overwhelming. Here’s where asking for help comes in. People who have been in a group can give you insight as to the format and also the benefits they derived. Plus any drawbacks. The funeral director, clergy, and community centers will probably also have pertinent information about several groups for you to consider.

If you wish to find a group, take a minute to jot down what you hope to gain from your relationship with others who gather regularly to express their loss. Decide what kind of openness and comfort would be acceptable, and what you would not like to experience. Then call the leader and ask questions. The leader should be non-intrusive and should maintain a non-judgmental atmosphere. Ground rules are discussed and agreed upon. Leaders may be psychologists, therapists, facilitators, or grief counselors. Some groups are led by non-professionals and can be very beneficial, but it’s important that confidentiality be enforced and trust understood.

What can you expect in the way of benefits from a grief group?

1.   First of all, you can say anything (within reason) without alarming anyone. Sometimes you can’t do this with friends and family.

2.  You will have a place to go and a specific time to meet on a regular basis. Looking forward to certain things helps to regulate your life.

3. The leader will be a resource person for you if you need to address other issues.

4. You will probably connect with 1 or 2 other people, maybe more, and have friends you can count on after your group work is finished.

5.  A person who has suffered a loss can go to a group anytime. It doesn’t have to be immediate. People have been known to seek a group months or years after losing someone.

It’s said that shared grief helps ease the pain and anguish of losing a loved one. For each person, their grief is unique and is borne individually. You may derive great comfort, learn something beneficial, or simply enjoy not being alone all the time. Give yourself every opportunity to explore the options available.

I wish you well,

Judy

From Deepest Pain to Gratitude

April 22nd, 2015 by judytalks

The shock of immediate loss brings deep, relentless pain for which there is no solace. The comfort and support of friends and family gives only temporary relief, and then the sharp pangs of loss and sadness begin all over.

In the beginning, it’s impossible to even imagine that one day there will be a sliver of gratitude in this awfulness. For what could you possibly be grateful?

Healing begins in both the heart and the mind. The idea of being without that necessary person is unthinkable. The outpouring of love and devotion from one heart to another stops for lack of a destination.

You are alone, overwhelmed with the knowledge that someone you love is physically gone, and yet seems so very present in your life. How do you hold on to that comforting sense of presence, when your mind assures you that it simply isn’t true?

A quiet time each day allows you to remember all the emotions, each important event, the everyday conversations, and the unspoken bond that ties you together. Writing down whatever you wish – memories, feelings, future plans, and special times that only you two shared – becomes the foundation of gratitude.

Each part became a measure of support in your life together, and the sum total of all parts is the whole relationship you created. This can’t be destroyed. It remains a part of who you are. For this, you can be grateful.

Have a quiet time every day. Structure it any way you like. Remember to include one thoughtful and heart-warming gratitude for who you are because of that incredible person, whose face you can see and whose laughter you can hear.

You’ll know you are healing when the pain begins to subside and you can smile when you think of your loved one.

I wish you well,

Judy

Where Has All The Comfort Gone?

March 20th, 2015 by judytalks

Time has passed. The Holidays are over, and everyone else’s life seems to go on with all the daily and ordinary things they do. Yours seems to stand still. People you talk to just assume that you feel better, that you are nearly “over it” and your brand new life lies ahead, clear and straight.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Is there a disconnect somewhere?

The answer is yes. The disconnect occurs because comfort comes in rushes at first, everyone wanting to help and console you. The sadness and shock of losing this most necessary person has you in its grip.  You still can’t imagine how life can go on.

Staying connected is difficult during bereavement. Family members are at different stages of mourning. Friends are busy with lives that haven’t been as disrupted as yours. Everyone wants you to feel comforted, but knowing what that takes, long-term- is far from their minds. Ours is a society that moves on.

It is up to you to maintain those close relationships. Stay in touch by phone, email, or in person. When someone invites you to an outing, meeting, or social gathering, go. Whether you feel like it or not isn’t the issue. Being with caring and relaxed people is the beginning of learning to live alone.

Comfort has all kinds of faces and isn’t well-defined. Just getting out there helps you to take a look at the world again and see possibilities. Old friends may bring new friends. New groups, hobbies, or interests develop while you’re testing the waters, surrounded by people you can trust. They are there to support you. Let them.

I wish you well,

Judy

 

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year….

December 18th, 2014 by judytalks

For most people.

For someone who’s grieving. it’s awful.

It’s difficult to be joyful when there are tears streaming down your face, and there’s an acute ache in your heart.

The secret is to let it happen. People who love you will understand, and the rest don’t matter right now.

Besides, it’s not healthy to suppress your feelings. Grief has to be felt and expressed. It’s the way to heal.

This Holiday season, try adding one new tradition to your life. You can designate a remembrance to your loved one – like a new ornament for the tree.  Or just start something that sounds interesting – like making a gingerbread house.

When Good Tidings are all around you, it lifts your spirits, if only for a moment.

Have a wonderful season of joy.

Judy

 

Grief Lasts a Lifetime

August 18th, 2014 by judytalks

Understanding the critical aspects is essential for healing and moving forward. You do not get over grief, you come to terms with it. I want to share with you some meaningful tips that will help you as you learn to turn sorrow into gratitude. These heartfelt tips will address critical aspects of grief events and lay out a logical process for moving forward.

Todays tip:  Acknowledge the deep sadness and fatigue you may be feeling.

Your mind and body can’t handle all that is happening to you. Find a quiet place to gently breathe life back into your soul.

These tips will be posted regularly to give you insight and clarity for the period of bereavement. A quiet time each day helps with focusing on the difficult task of mourning. Your grief is about you, not just the loved one you have lost.

Let me know how things are going. I encourage comments, questions, and just touching base. I wish you well.

Judy

 

 

Request a Presentation

Ideal for:

  • Assisted Living Facilities
  • Adult Recreation or Senior Centers
  • Hospital or Hospice Support Groups
  • Funeral Director Associations
  • Corporate Human Resources Depts
  • Social Service Agencies
  • Libraries or Estate Planners

To schedule Judy for a presentation, fill in the short form below so that we can contact you:

Company/Organization:
Name:*
Your Email:*
Your Phone:*
Additional Information:
Contact Preference: